I had debated weather or not to save the site. Not that it took all that much work anyways (backups are great) but truth be told, I wonder if the site has gone past it's prime.

Before the first crash in Febuary, the site was being used often, and getting updated regularly... When Kim got sick, and the site crashed, and I wasn't fast to get it up, and then we had $$$ issues which took the whole server down, and the DSL line got disconnected and I had quit my job to focus on Kim, and then we had to find colo, by the time the site came back online, it had taken a substantial hit in participants....

Then the new server got hacked, and I hadn't done any recent backups, and we lost a month worth of data, and then the site got even less daily participation... 

Then, crap happened again, and it took a while but I got the site up, with security fixes and while taking care of Kim, and the site came back, and there were maybee 2-3 regular visitors... and maybe 1 regular participant....

Now Kim's gone, and I'm neglecting the server for a totally different reason.... The site went down because I screwed up trying to fix a security hole (rookie mistake), and I've finally brought the site back online, and all I can hope is that people will come back....

I've been posting on other sites lately, with more and more regularity.... 

Trying to sound like I'm doing "better" and that everything is "ok" but it's not.

I live in filth. I haven't cleaned this house since Kim passed away. 

I only have food in the house because Pickles takes me shopping and buys me food.

I've had the electricity cut off for varying ammounts of times (10, 3, 1 day/s at a time) because I was too lazy to pay the bill... Even tho I had the money...

I've lost internet access more than once for the same reasons.... 

A large part of me died when Kim passed away. more than half my heart just stopped. 

I want to say that I'm going to get over this, and eventually everything will be fine, but sometimes I just don't see that happening...

I've promised too many people that I won't hurt myself, or atleast that I'll give them a chance to talk me out of it first, but mainly I promised Kim before she passed that I wouldn't. And no matter how I rationalize it, I can't betray that promise... That's the only reason I'm still here.

I know there are other people in this world that need me. Or atleast there are people that say they need me. But I REALLY want to be selfish and do one really stupid thing that I feel will make things better for me... But I can't, because I promised.

Some days are better than others... eg, I actually leave the bedroom for more than going to use the bathroom...

Sometimes, I even leave the house, but almost never alone...

Unless it's 3am.... Somtimes I go out for a drive alone @ 3am....

I'm not alone in the house. Penny (our puppy dog) lies with me alot... She's made herself her own bed on the bed and lies there with me and keeps me company.

Sometimes I know she can feel my pain, because sometimes she'll just move close, ly down, and be extra cuddly... Other times she gives me space, but stays close.

I  know this blog post is a bit rambly, but I needed to get it off my chest...

I've been playing a lot of GuildWars lately... And chatting on the phone to Robyn and occasionally IM'ing with Cat... but I needed to make sure the truth about what is going on is out there...

I don't know what will happen from this point, I don't know how thing will turn out in the end. and for the upteenth time, the answer to "How are you doing?" is "I'm alive, ish"...

For those of you that miss me on IRC or IM or what not, I'm sorry... I'll come back when I'm ready, but I'm not ready.

-P